“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Realize this:
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old