Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.