I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
One of the best
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit