I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
