I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Wasps: bees, but not helping