I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience