I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.