Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright