Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

*me flirting

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light