Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

These aren’t even hard anymore.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.