i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one