i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You Might Also Like
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.