i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
In case you needed to hear it:
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
