For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The news in a nutshell.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day