Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Its true…

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Nothing.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”