I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Running from your problems is cardio .
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
These work great until they don’t.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
