I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
🤣😂🤣
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
