I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
🤔😂😂
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
