I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A friend helps you before you need it
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
