Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Damn he played himself

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.