I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
How tf did it end up there?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat