I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
goldfish mafia
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me