I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
never stops being funny
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids