I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything