I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.