I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex