I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”