I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

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[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.


*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.


My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history


German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.


[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright


me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”