I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Very problematic
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head