I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Breaking news:
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I missed you with all my darts
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex