I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I will never stop laughing at this
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.