Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense