Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Ooh I do like a good funnel

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.