Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.