I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.