I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
when mom throws a party…
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
certified hallow’s eve classic
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
called in thicc to work this morning
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”