Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal