I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
For those that worship cheese..
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Aaaa…CHOO!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.