I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*