I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*