I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert