I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.