I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
britain’s three elite institutions
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.