Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.