When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”
i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels
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A 72 year old benjamin button, is a pedophiles dream.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.