@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

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@Teowulf

When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”

@IvoryGazelle

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

@ddsmidt

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics