I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Okay this one takes it home
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me