I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Why is no one talking about this?!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
no such thing as a dumb question
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.