Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

when someone compliments me

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

Schrödinger’s cookie

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.