Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

is this meant to deter me

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Customize Your Wedding.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.