Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

selfie game

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise