I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“and how does that make you feel?”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.