I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
