I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
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Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?