I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok