i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I have never related to a cat more
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.