i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
You Might Also Like
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”