I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
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“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
