I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
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ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
This is the coolest video you will see today.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
*gets down on one knee*
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch