I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Strange
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My safe word is Worcestershire
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless