I feel like one of these would kill a European
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy