I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
You Might Also Like
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Nomnomnomnom
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
no one ever comes back
Green is just blue that someone peed in
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy