I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
being a writer on Twitter:
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.