I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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road rage
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it