I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.