I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
