Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Me driving through Toronto

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Bike for sale

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?