I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.