I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.