Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.