i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?