i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You Might Also Like
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me driving through Toronto
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.